I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
