I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
