I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
