I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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