My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
