Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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