Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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