I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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