I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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