so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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