Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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