There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
