I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
