You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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