i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
