if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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