I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
