don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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