Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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