Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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