so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
