Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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