Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
