After last night, I could never be a politician.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
