Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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