he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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