I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
