I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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