I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
