i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
