The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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