i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
