sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
