i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
