I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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