I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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