Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
