Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i think my tv is drunk
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
