so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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