I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
