you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
