I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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