i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
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Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
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So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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