Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
