Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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