The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
