I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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