i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
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What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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