We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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