I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
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Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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