Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
