Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
