All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize