You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
