It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
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Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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