I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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