Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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