I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
