its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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